Italia Jackets

does this sound good?

in the center of the small room was a desk with a grey haired woman sitting behind it. Her glasses were perched on the tip of her nose and her lips painted a bright red. “Hello,” she chimed in her British accent. “Come in.” I approached her desk, and set my bags on the floor. “Hi,” I said, stuttering. “I…I, um, I’m new.” She smiled. “What is your name Miss?” “Kelsi Harlow.” She nodded, stood up, and walked to a massive filing cabinet behind her. She flipped through a stack of papers on her desk, stopping when she found what she was looking for. “Yes, here we are,” she said, pulling out a large, tan envelope. “Kelsi Harlow, year 12.” “Actually, I am in grade eleven, not twelve.” I said, interrupting her. The woman laughed. “Oh sweetie, your Canadian years are different than us English. Year twelve is equivalent to your grade eleven.” I suddenly felt really stupid and looked down at my shoes. I was wearing my favorite converse sneakers as a good- bye gesture, since I would never be able to wear them again with the strict dress code here. “Your room assignment is in here, as well as your schedule,” she said. “Your reading and studding material, as well as your school uniform is already in your room.” I looked at her not quite sure what to do next, seeing as I had no idea where to go from here. “Oh, sorry, let me get you a map of the campus.” The woman reached into yet another filing cabinet and handed me a large piece of paper. “There you are. Good luck, Kelsi!” “Thanks,” I muttered as I examined the map, trying to make since of it. Once I got outside, it was still raining- No surprise there- I walked down a cobblestone walkway that weaved all around the campus. There were students running everywhere, trying to get out of the rain and to their classes. I noticed that the girl’s were wearing dark green and navy plaid skirts, cardigans with the school crest on them, stockings, and penny loafers. The boys were wearing collared shirts with green and navy ties loosened around their neck, and navy trousers. Everyone was wearing a raincoat with the school logo. Well, everyone but me. I followed the map until I was standing in front of a smaller stone building. The stone was a light grey and just as much ivy was growing up the walls as the main building. Above the wood door was a sign that read ‘St. Anne’s Girls Dormitory’. I pushed through the door into a hallway that smelt of floral, and citrus. I walked up a flight of stairs and down a corridor until I came to a door with the number 616 on it. I pulled out my key the office gave me and opened the door. all crtisism is appreciated :) if u have any ideas, i will thank you in advance :) wow, thank you very much :) its great to know some facts about where the story took place. I tried to google, and such, but obviously it didnt help much. anyway, thank you, i would really like to make it good as it can be:)

Public Comments

1. It''s....Decent xD ---> "What is your name Miss?" Unless British people sound like robots (which we don't), I would say "What's." Also, there should be a comma before "Miss" :) ---> "it was still raining- No surprise there- I walked..." there should be no capital on the "n". ---> "Trying to make since of it." Sense. ---> "the campus[,]” The woman....." ---> "Your reading and studding..." studying? ---> It's very basic. There are hardly no details and it's extremely rushed. Re-read it all, add more things in, adjectives etc... Good luck :3
2. Okay, so I'm British, and whenever I read that in stories "with his British accent" it makes me want to throw the book across the room. British accent is Welsh, Scottish, English and Irish (Northern). So which is it? I know it's not good to get technical, since then you'd have to narrow it down to what English accent, whether Oxford or Cockney or whatever, but I would at least like to know whether this British person speaks with a Scottish, Irish, Welsh or English accent. In speech, never write "12". Write twelve. Oh, and we don't called them "grades" over here. It's year 11. And we never call classes "periods" but "units" or just "classes." Hmm, would everyone have a raincoat with a school logo on? I mean, we had that in our school but hardly anyone wore them. Especially not the cool people. Heck, no one wore a raincoat to school. Lol. But it does rain a heck of a lot in England: "No surprise there." Haha, I like it! No need for that comma after floral. But yes, I like your story. Keep it up!
3. First of all, Year 12 in England is not a standard High School year. You only complete Year 12 if your school is a sixth-form college. It goes from year 7 to 11, after which you can go onto study year 12 or go to college. And British is a very broad description, she could be either Welsh, English, Irish or Scottish, and if she is English there is either a Southern accent or a more "rough" Northern accent. Please don't generalise and think we all have posh accents. Next of all, try not to end speech with just full stops. They are very rarely used; use commas instead. Your general description could do with some work so we know what the school is like, and you need to ensure you know about English schools properly. Like the user above me said, we call them "lessons" and not "periods".
4. Umm I read ur hole commnet and I lost you when you said center :(
5. Some grammatical errors but I found it drawing me in. Over all I would say it's pretty good.
6. You're going to hate me...but so far the story sounds the slightest bit like Twilight. But the writing is good and it's pretty interesting considering its a more normal every day scene. I've written similar scenes to this one, so I know how hard it is to try and make everything interesting without dwelling on the boring details for too long. I've also read scenes like this that are very enjoyable to read because of the character's strong voice and perspective. I would try to really highlight your main character here so the readers get a taste of what she's like before the real action begins. This is good, just go over and fine tune it to make it even better. I would personally read more to see what this is all about, so keep at it :).
7. It was all right. Definitely need to do revisions and editing, but it wasn't completely terrible.